


unfeel

by leeswaggy



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Angst, Bilbo is very afraid, But without actual comfort, Could be cute if Thorin didn't die, Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, Listen I know I only write sad stories, M/M, Pre-Battle of Five Armies, Protective Thorin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-13 11:20:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29027841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leeswaggy/pseuds/leeswaggy
Summary: "each wish that I make for eternal days before the storm tears us apart" (Lord of the Lost - Unfeel)In which Bilbo looks back at what he and Thorin said to each other before the battle.
Relationships: Bilbo Baggins/Thorin Oakenshield
Comments: 4
Kudos: 19





	unfeel

**Author's Note:**

> This time, the title is taken from the song Unfeel by Lord of the Lost and I think it really fits so feel free to listen to it!  
> Also feel free to point out any mistakes I made, English isn't my first language.
> 
> Have fun reading <3

“He was… To me, he was…”

Bilbo’s voice breaks and he looks at his feet. He doesn’t know what to say because he can’t put into words what Thorin is – was – to him.

Balin nods as if he understands but Bilbo knows he doesn’t. Nobody understands – Bilbo himself did far too late and now his opportunity is gone. _Thorin_ is gone. All Bilbo wants is to turn back time and change everything.

\---

_It’s the night before battle and Bilbo and Thorin are standing on top of the wall to watch the stars. None of them says a single word and when Bilbo almost unnoticeably starts shaking, Thorin quietly opens his coat. At first, Bilbo doesn’t even notice, but when he turns towards the dwarf he raises an eyebrow and instantly forgets that he wanted to say something. When he still doesn’t react to the dwarf’s gesture, Thorin nods his head to make him come closer, and of course Bilbo does._

_“Thorin?”, he asks quietly, but the dwarf only pulls him closer so he can wrap his coat around Bilbo’s shoulders. Bilbo has no idea why Thorin is doing any of this – he’s not one to crave physical touch, usually – but he decides to seize his chance and inconspicuously moves even closer to Thorin. For a second, he turns his face to glance at Thorin, but somehow their faces are much too close together and Bilbo turns away quickly._

_“Before we went on this journey, I told Gandalf I wouldn’t guarantee your safety”, Thorin says suddenly, his gaze absently locked on something far off in the distance, “and I still can’t do that now, but I want you to know I’ll protect you with my life if I have to, Bilbo Baggins.”_

_This time, Bilbo can’t help but look at Thorin, his jaw slightly dropping: “Thorin, that really isn’t-…”_

_“Pardon me for interrupting, but yes, it is. You’d do the same – you already did. Without you, I’d still be down there at the treasury, not caring about the ones who went through so much for me.”_

_And now, Bilbo really has no idea what to reply to that, because Thorin’s words throw him off more than they probably should. Did Thorin’s dragon sickness disappear because of_ him _? Is he that important to the king? Does he really have that much influence? Of course they’re friends after everything they went through together, but nevertheless Bilbo more often than not feels like a burden for the dwarf who would now give his life for him._

_He’s afraid of what could happen tomorrow, afraid of what the battle will bring but even more afraid of what it will take from him._

_He looks at the dwarven king next to him, and right now, there’s nothing he’d rather do than use the ring to hide them both and to run away with Thorin – to the Shire, to Rivendell, it doesn’t matter, only to get away from the war and the fear and the possibility of losing each other forever._

_“Bilbo”, Thorin says, and the hobbit nearly flinches because he’ll never get used to Thorin calling him by his first name even though he likes it way too much. Thorin seems to have noticed and carefully brushes his fingers over Bilbo’s shoulder before he continues: “If we make it, if we win the battle and the Lonely Mountain finally is ours again… Will you stay, master burglar? Will you stay with us?”_

_And quietly, so quiet Bilbo almost doesn’t hear it, he adds: “Will you stay with me?”_

_Bilbo wants to say something but the lump in his throat doesn’t let him._

_He planned to go back home after the successful journey, back to his books and to his armchair. He wanted to plant his tree and remember._

_But now, with Thorin standing next to him, he wonders why he planned all that. Why should he leave when everything he needs is right here? His friends are here, all of them, and_ Thorin _is here._

_Bilbo isn’t sure he could leave Thorin, even if he wanted to._

_Before he can overthink, he takes the dwarf’s hand and quietly clears his throat: “Well, actually, I… I’d like that a lot, yes.”_

_Thorin intertwines his fingers with Bilbo’s and smiles a little – something he doesn’t do nearly often enough, Bilbo thinks. Nobody deserves an honest smile as much as Thorin does._

_Bilbo focuses on the warmth of Thorin’s hand in his and tries not to think about the fact that this warmth could be gone tomorrow. That Thorin’s eyes could lose their light, that he could never smile like that again._

_His grasp on Thorin’s hand must have become more tense because Thorin carefully lets go of Bilbo’s hand and turns the hobbit to face him so he can pull him into a firm hug._

_Bilbo holds on to Thorin and wishes the next morning would never come._

\---

But the morning comes, and the day, and the dusk in the evening, and the battle that takes everything that’s important to Bilbo.

The battle that took his reason to stay with the others and gave him a reason to leave. He can’t stay here, where everything reminds him of Thorin, where it feels like Thorin is waiting for him in the next room, but he isn’t.

_“Will you stay with me?”_ , Thorin asked, and Bilbo really wanted to because his heart would stay with Thorin anyway. And now it feels like he was the one who had a sword thrusted into his chest – and Bilbo wishes it was because then he wouldn’t have to live with the possibility of a future in Erebor, on Thorin’s side, taken from him.

He looks at the dwarves one last time and leaves.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments & kudos appreciated!


End file.
